My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize