I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Randomize
