I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
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