Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
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