i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
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