i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
