oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Randomize
