I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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