just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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