but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize