you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
