so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
