The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
