I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
