Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
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