i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
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