I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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