**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
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