i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
