Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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