And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Randomize