My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Randomize
