When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
