He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
I supernannyed him into submission
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
