textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
