i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Randomize
