I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
We need to feng shui this bitch.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize