He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
