My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
My vagina just clenched in fear
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
