I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Randomize
