Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
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