dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
