you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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