So drunk its hurt
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
Randomize
