I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
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