Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
