I just did your MASH and your life is pretty unfortunate. Youre marrying the tech guy for love. you live in a shack and you're a hooker and you make $1 a day. you drive a brown limo and you have 7 kids
I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
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