I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
