I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
