do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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