my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
