Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Randomize
