I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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