Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
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