i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
He kissed a someone with a penis
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
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