Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
