he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
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