yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Randomize
