I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
