mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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