I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
