Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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