I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
