I think i sorta joined a cult last night
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Randomize
