So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
Randomize
