I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
