You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
Randomize
