he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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