I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
