Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
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