toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
