# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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