So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
