seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
we're so committed to being not committed
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
