Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
