The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
