I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
