Where did you get a picture of my penis
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
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