while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
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