i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
