my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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