dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Randomize
