She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
We got so high we made milksteak
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
