I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Can Purell be used as lube?
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
